Just got off work, and whenever Brandon is done closing, we’re going to go hit up Seattle to see what there is to do on a Sunday night. Also, I have the next two days off which is such a relief! I hate Subway, but I love my coworkers.

Is this really it?

I feel that void again. Helpless, without control. This enormous weight that’s swelling with every passing moment in my chest. I am fighting the deep sobs that are struggling to escape - the ones that quake the very core of my soul. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I have to let his happen, or else things will never change. If I don’t let him go, I will relive the same nightmare I have been trudging through since September. I am suppressing hysteria; the same hysteria that glued me to him as I was beseeching him to stay. I can not overpower addiction, but naively, I thought maybe love could. This is greater than myself. Sometimes, however, love alone is just not enough. I want what is best for him, but selfishly, a part of me can not accept that it actually is over and he really is leaving. Eight months is a long time for two people to be apart. Time changes and heals everything. I can’t deal with the thought of being without his being. We will both be different, but who is to say that I won’t still be enamored with the person I got to know; the person I fell in love with. I can obviously do without the lying, the stealing, and the use of drugs. After two years, ideally, he will be an entirely different person, but why wouldn’t he be the love of my life still? I guess I am just rambling now, but I really don’t  know how to deal with this, and I never really have. I can’t do anything about this pain; I just have to feel it. I have to wake up tomorrow and go to work, and interact with people and be a functioning human being. How tragic it is to be human! I can never describe to anyone quite exactly how I’m feeling - who can? I feel like my soul is screaming, it’s writhing in pain, it’s sinking, it’s drowning, and I can’t calm it, I can’t. I feel so isolated, like I’m not on the same plane of existence anymore. I never wanted to feel like this again, and I was so blind, I never thought I would. I was so comfortable, so sure, that this would last forever. That this was the end of the line, that he was my happily ever after. He accepted me for all that I was. Sad, angry, rude, ornery, happy, dorky. He knew me. He understood. He was willing to share our future with seventy-six cats. He loved my body as much as I hated it. We laughed and we weeped. We had something that I truly feel I will never find again. Maybe we’ll end up together, and maybe we won’t. No one could ever compare to the person I loved before he made a commitment to heroin. How I have pleaded with the universe and God to give that time and person back to me. Only time has the answer that I’m looking for, and this is going to be a rocky road to start traveling down.

(: Smiles All Around :)

Oshie wanted me to go back to his house last night when he came over. He said that sometimes he gets anxious and easily irritated and he doesn’t know why, and he thinks that it would be better if he were alone but always regrets it when I leave. A very comforting thought if I do say so myself. I didn’t really want to go all the way back to his house because it was getting really late and I was planning on getting up and ready at seven this morning. I convinced him to stay the night. He almost didn’t though because he thought his grandma would get mad because he had court today, and because he got “the willies” from thinking about Jacob spending the night here. I had to reassure him that he would be home long before he was due at court and that no other person (besides Kellie and Isaac) have slept in my bed with me. Jacob and I always slept on the living room floor when he stayed over. I was so happy that I got to snuggle him all night. I even dreamed that I had a spectacular bedroom with lots of windows and a clear view of the ocean with a large, comfy bed, and Oshie was in it with me. 

I woke up and took a shower and got ready around seven, and when I was all finished, I rode my bike and Oshie rode his long board back to his house. He talked me into a quickie before work (tmi? oops), and I rode my bike to make it just in time for my shift at eleven. I had a pretty good day, I’m still learning new things which can be really frustrating sometimes, but hopefully it will all stick soon. My coworker, Liz bought be a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks and a couple coffee cakes which was really nice of her. Towards the end of my shift, I got to work with the gay guy, Alex, and he was cracking me up. He said that I have Jennifer Aniston eyes (I have never heard that before, but I was extremely flattered) and he showed me all of his drag pictures on his phone. I got off at about three-thirty and enjoyed my employee meal (I had a turkey sub with heaps of veggies and a cup of lemonade). I then rode my bike to Mill Creek so I could pick up some mail from my box (I hadn’t checked it in months), and then I made a copy of my ID and my social security card for my boss, Russell, and biked home. It’s gorgeous weather today, and I’m glad I got to enjoy it.

Oshie had court today, and he’s officially a felon now. He decided to not ask for drug court because he would have to pay for the entire thing and he has enough legal debt as it is. Apparently, since he’s a felon now, they needed to take some DNA, which I thought was really weird. The fucked up thing is that HE had to pay for the COURT to take his DNA. What’s up with that? I was going to ride my bike back to him because he wanted me to stay again, but I’m waiting because he’s out hanging out with LC and Lark. I don’t know why he wants to hang out with Lark considering the last time he saw him, they almost got into a fist fight but anyway.

I recorded a video of myself when I got home today that I’m trying to upload to YouTube. The internet at my house is acting up, so I’m waiting on good ole linksys.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

It’s So Petty

Since Oshie’s been back from Utah, he’s been a little different. Not completely, but I’ve been noticing a pattern. We’ve been spending quite a bit of time together recently, but it hasn’t really been different other than I have to go to work. It is really convenient when I stay there because the Subway where I work is a ten minute walk away. I’ve been staying there for about a week. I get up, get ready, walk to work, work, walk back to Oshie, and then we hang out until we sleep and then I do it all again the next day. In my opinion, it’s been very pleasant…for the most part. 

After three days of staying with him, Oshie and I had this altercation. He wanted to have sex, but it was twelve-thirty in the morning, and I had to get up early so I could be to work on time. I was ridiculously tired, so we didn’t have sex. The next morning, I got up and got ready for work, and didn’t have time to have sex with him before I left. We were talking about it, and he said that he was irritated because the night before, I was talking to him while I was falling asleep instead of having sex with him. This is what he had to say about it: “I was getting really frustrated because you were talking to me, and I was like, if you’re going to go to sleep, then go to sleep, don’t lie there talking to me.” This really hurt my feelings, but I didn’t really say anything to him. I guess he was still upset because he lept out of bed and went to have a cigarette without saying anything to me. He came back after and just lied in bed reading a book without saying a word. He did still make me breakfast, though, and I just spent the morning before work silently crying into my bacon. Before I left, I asked him if he was mad at me, and he walked me to work while he explained that he was frustrated because of his blue balls. I apologized and bawled because I didn’t know what to tell him, sometimes I’m  too tired and have to get up early for work, my bad. I made him a sandwich while I was at work and took it home to him, and I thought everything was okay. We had sex because I really felt bad about the night before, and I didn’t want him thinking that I was neglecting or rejecting him. Right after we finished, he went and took a shower, and I was lying in bed, thinking everything was fine. After he got out, he started talking about how he was “confused” about life, and how he needed some alone time to figure things out. I didn’t really understand what he meant by “confused” and got a little bit scared, but he said that he wasn’t going to leave me because he had no reason to. He then asked his grandma to take me home. My feelings were a little bit hurt because they always are when Oshie asks me to leave. Only because it means he doesn’t want to be with me at that moment, and I always want to be with him. I guess you could say that I feel a little rejected myself. He called me later that night, though, and things seemed fine.

The next day, I walked forty minutes to work from my house, worked, and then after being on my feet all day, it took me an hour and a half to walk home. I wasn’t planning on doing anything for the rest of the day but Tumbl and watch videos of cats on YouTube. Oshie calls me and tells me about his day and whatnot, and we have a good conversation. He then gets off the phone to hang out with some of his black friends. At around nine last night, he calls and asks if he can come pick me up. Of course, I said yes. He was the sweetest boyfriend on the planet that night. He was non stop kissing and hugging me, he was saying the nicest things, and he massaged my feet with lotion and everything. I asked him what was going on because the night before, he was “confused” and he wanted to be alone so he could figure things out. He said that he already figured things out and that he only wanted me. The night ended splendidly.

I then stayed with him for a few more days, and everything seemed to be going perfectly.

Today was his family reunion at the Boy’s and Girl’s club in north Everett. We all got ready and piled in his grandparent’s car and stopped at Winco so they could pick some deli chicken. Oshie and I waited in the car and talked. Not really about anything, but kind of about everything. At one point, we were talking about car sex and his ex, Chelci. It doesn’t really bother me when he talks about his exes because there’s a reason why they’re his exes. What bothered me today, though, was that he asked if I would be mad if him and Chelci hung out. And um, hell yes I would be mad because why the hell would he even feel the need to hang out with her anyway? You don’t see me going around hanging out with Michael or Jacob. But I was just quiet and told him that, obviously, he could do whatever he wanted because I don’t own him. That was the end of that, and we had a very good day at his family reunion. We played croquet, ping pong, bumper pool, Battleship, and we tossed around some water balloons. Oshie saw some friends he hadn’t seen in like a year, so we left with them, Oshie smoked them a blunt, and we got dropped off at the Everett station. We took the bus back to his house, and everything seemed fine until we got in his room. He suddenly became very sad and quiet, and the only thing he would tell me was that he wasn’t happy with himself and he wanted to change things, but he was lacking motivation. I was asking him what I could do to make him feel better, but he said that there wasn’t anything. He held me, and he cried a little, but he didn’t really go in depth to what he was thinking. I asked a few times if he wanted me to go home, but he said that he didn’t. He apologized for being so down, but I told him that he should never be sorry for the way he feels. He called some people, but no one answered, and then when we were all about to play ten thousand with his grandma, LC called so he went to go smoke with him while I stayed behind. He was gone for awhile, and when he came back, he asked if it would be okay if we didn’t hang out for three days. He said, “If I don’t figure things out in three days, then I will never figure things out.” Then I became very quiet and a little bit sad. He had me convinced the other night that things were okay when they definitely aren’t. He told me he was going to break the pattern, but clearly, that’s not happening. I don’t understand what’s going on with him, and he’s not really giving me any clues, either. I’m so petrified that he did something and is just not telling me, or if he’s just getting sick of me and doesn’t want to let me know. I tried to call him a little while ago, but no one answered, so I don’t know what he’s doing.

I just don’t know. I probably shouldn’t be upset when he wants me to go home, but I can’t help it. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like no one is ever going to be able to love me the way that I need. I should probably just sleep it off, but my stomach is in knots with anxiety.

Hi!

I haven’t been home for awhile, and that’s why I haven’t been posting. I got that job at Subway, and today was only my second day. I’ve been staying with Oshie because work is only a ten minute walk away from his house which is really nice. We finally got those bikes too, and so far, I’ve spent over a hundred dollars on fixing them up. It’s a little frustrating, but it’s all going to be worth it in the end. I’m at my house right now so that Osh can apply to a few jobs online and so I can wash my Subway uniform. I work all week 11 to 2!

I have my alarm set for 9:30am

So I can be sure I have enough time to prepare myself for my interview. I know to a lot of you, 9:30 is considered sleeping in, but I haven’t had a job in over a year. I play with toys, my nephew, and hang out with my friends all day. 9:30 is a lot to ask of me.

Oshie said that he would come over in the morning (yes, I am aware that it’s morning now, thanks) and come with me to my interview. Well, not to my interview necessarily (I just thought of Step Brothers, “We’re here to fuck shit up.”), but to Subway. Maybe he’ll wait for me and we can hang out afterward too. I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND, DAMN IT. Having a job is seriously going to put a dent in my selfish, boyfriend hogging activities. Assuming I get this one, of course. I hope that I do, even if it’s making sandwiches all day…okay feel free to say something about how it’s my calling because I was already thinking it. I’ll even be happy with part time; it’ll make it easier to fall back into a schedule after just doing whatever the fuck I wanted whenever I damn well pleased. PLUS I WILL HAVE ACCESS TO THE MOST DELICIOUS AND MOST COVETED NOURISHMENT OF ALL THE FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENTS.

Anyw(h)ay

I should probably go sleep or whatever you people do when you’re not posting on Tumblr at 1:33 am.